Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I Don’t Know How to Start this Post
I guess I’ll just jump in, maybe not in a straight timeline, but just whatever to break this writer’s block that is hanging over me like that little boy in the Peanuts cartoon with his own cloud that went everywhere he went.
I was having a great time with my tomato garden, sharing with neighbors, relatives and putting up some for winter. I was very happy, but pretty soon I had NO.TIME.AT.ALL for quilting.
But I thought, how long can this last? You know, make hay while the sun shines! Summer isn’t forever.
Things weren’t perfect, but darn near.
There was one very dark cloud on the horizon getting closer, closer. That was the declining health of my (younger) brother Lee. He had incurable liver cancer, cirrhosis and Hepatitis C. The cause, of course, was the terribly wrong directions that he chose for his life.
Lee and Carol on their wedding day
You may remember that I posted about him when he had a really bad motorcycle accident.
This is hard to write about, but that accident was his way of trying to hurry up and get going into the next life because he had little to look forward to here but suffering. Instead he broke every bone in his face (which the doctors fixed) and suffered severe frontal lobe brain damage (which they could not fix).
The last time I saw him, we were trying to get him into care facility because it was obvious he could no longer make it on his own. He resisted, sometimes violently, and became estranged from us for a time. He went from care home to psych ward to next care home for a while. He refused our visits for a few months.
He finally made the decision to stay in one of the care homes and stayed out of trouble. I think he just got tired and weak and accepted his fate. After this, he would take calls from us and talk to us a little bit unless his meds made him too groggy.
In October we got the call that we were expecting, that he had passed away. We were planning to make a trip to see him later that month, but we just missed him.
My 88 year old Mother is grieving for him and it has been especially hard for me to be her caretaker. I won’t burden you with those details, but she has been very unpredictable. My Mother is not easy even in the best of times. Oh, well.
Lee made peace with his God during the last months so we know that he is forgiven.
I’m getting on with my life. I haven’t cried a lot but have grieved inside. Time is healing me. I have been praying for all of you who might be reading this and are going through any kind grief or loss. It can come in many forms but always hurts the same.